Beat the Bitch
by Tess Stimson

Release Date: 26th Jun 2010
Publisher: Pan Macmillian
ISBN: 978 0 3305 0945 9
RRP: £7.99

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A guide to keeping your man from straying or tips on how to screw him over if he does...

Aimed squarely at the insecure, the paranoid and the suspicious wife/girlfriend, Beat the Bitch also caters for those in silent denial – you probably feel a bubble of mirth and glee at the back of your throat that doesn’t quite make it to your mouth for those poor other suckers... err, women... who get duped by their other half, but let’s face it, if the subject matter piques your curiosity, you’re in trouble... probably...

Stimson’s candour spews out so fast your fingers get page burn. From the get go, you are cordially invited to question the strength of your own relationship and hell if she doesn’t make it sound hopeless – seriously, who doesn’t whine about their neglectful, inconsiderate, smelly and untrainable bloke? But equally, it’s no surprise that the secret to keeping him is to think and act like a mistress rather than the poor sod who has to wash his cheesy socks, wipe the snot from his children’s faces and struggle endlessly with the fact that you will never want sex as much as he does.

The ‘Love Rat Stats’ are particularly chilling: can it be true that only one in four men stay faithful? How about the fact that over half of all men who cheat claim to be happily married? Perversely, there are a staggering 80% of men who’d love to go back to their wives if they could.

With plenty more fodder to feed your obsession that your partner is a sneak, helpfully, Stimson provides concise bullet points at the end of most chapters to assist those who are either too stunned to be able to adequately consume the greater detail or for those looking for quick pointers whilst exclaiming loudly to anyone who’s likely to spy them reading the book that it’s all utter nonsense.

In essence, Beat the Bitch is a litany of shocking statements written in a spectacularly dry and unbridled fashion, mulled over with a sprinkling of semi-comical anecdotes from ‘real’ people. Finally, take the cue from the title; if you find it remotely offensive, this book may well be for you, but you won’t enjoy reading it. For those lucky few who can truly say with a degree of smugness that their relationship is solid, think of it as a heads-up; a preventative measure, like the contraceptive pill – and pray that you never need chapters 12 and 13...